Utter Sugar Cookie Fail Leaves Kitchen Wrecked, Cook Despondent

At approximately 1:13 pm Wednesday afternoon, the small town of Vesoul, France, experienced a rare phenomenon: an utter sugar cookie failure on the part of one of the town’s young teachers, Ms. Roberts.

This paper theorizes that the mistakes leading up to this epic failure were many, and varied, but Ms. Roberts seemed at a loss to describe exactly what when wrong.

“I wanted to make sugar cookies for my class’ holiday party. Well, I found this recipe online, it said “Easy Sugar Cookies” but that was so not the case.” 

Witnesses reported growing concern as Roberts opened what she believed to be the French equivalent of baking powder and dumped it into her mixing bowl.

“Um, yeah,” Roberts comments, “that may have been baking yeast…maybe that was why it came in those individual little packets….and looked like pellets….huh.”

Further failures included the refusal, on the part of the metal eggbeater, to properly spin, resulting in a doughy mixture that somehow seemed both too dry and too sticky, and a finicky toaster oven that both over- and under- cooked the cookies. A certain amount of toaster-oven negligence on the part of Ms. Roberts is also suspected, but has yet to be confirmed.

Authorities were alerted by Roberts’s cries after the fourth batch of sugar cookies came out burned and utterly useless. They arrived to find the kitchen (and Roberts) completely covered in flour, butter and sprinkles. Every large container was dirty as well as many seemingly unrelated utensils, such as the cheese grater.

The victims, approximately 33 ½ sad little sugar cookies, are known to be in seclusion, hiding their sad little sugar cookie faces. This paper managed to sneak an exclusive image of the cookies: their flat, dry texture can be noted, along with their completely pathetic toppings: uneven scrapings of chocolate and sparse sprinkles. “The sprinkles just wouldn’t stay!” Roberts wailed.

While this fail serves as a cautionary tale for readers, it poses serious problems for the future of Roberts’s teaching career. “Sugar cookies, are, like, so basic,” Roberts explained, “if I can’t master this, what will I do when I have to design a test?  Or [gasps] punish a student?”

Further training and short-term counseling are recommended for Roberts, and a hasty and discreet disposal is advised for the cookies.